Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
