I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
