Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize