I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
