i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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