Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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