I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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