I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
