my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm always down for nudity.
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