I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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