Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
