So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize