"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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