dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
