my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
