I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
