I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
