Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
