Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
