Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize