ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
