if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
