when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
