Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize