He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
