The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize