Slut skills are useful in every country.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
