Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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