Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
