I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
