I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
