So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
