mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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