my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
