Just fell off a train. Bad.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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