is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
