Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm at about main and main street
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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