he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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