I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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