I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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