You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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