if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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