Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
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