Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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