I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I need a beard to bite.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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