I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
