proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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