Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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