I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
