dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
a search helicopter?!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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