Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
