I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize