Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
