This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
