Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
