I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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